Great Jokes


The Jokes!

These are some of my favorite jokes, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...




A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. 
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. 
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" 
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. 
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" said the sheriff.
"Yep." said the farmer.
"Were there any survivors?" asked the sheriff. 
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." 
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. 
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know how bad that sumbitch lies."



A Morals Tests - Be honest with yourself!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Barrack Obama !

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful Socialist Muslim men Hell bent on the destruction of America .

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.

Would you select high contrast color, or would you go with the classic simplicity of Black & White film?

For me, I like the classic look of Black & White!


The Old Rancher & The IRS

An old rancher had a small ranch that he worked for many many years. Then one year, the IRS claimed that he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the IRS agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who has been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"Any others?" asked the agent.

"Well, the cook has been here for 18 months ever since my wife passed away. I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board." answered the old rancher.

"Is that everyone? You realize that making false statements to the IRS can mean a fine, jail time, or a confiscation of your land and equipment!" said the IRS agent trying to intimidate the old rancher.

"Well," thought the old rancher, "there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a glass or two of bourbon every Saturday night as a reward."

"That's the guy! I want to talk to the half-wit!" demanded the agent.

"That would be me," replied old rancher.




A Liberal Environmentalist Gets Hers

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her legs and crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local Emergency Room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, and explained how she got all of the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from an abandoned recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."


The Old Prospector's Mule
 
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.

He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a single drop of whiskey.
 
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to a hitching post.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?!"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're a'gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound, froze, and everything got real quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Hey young fool, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."

 
 
 A Young Gunslinger

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.

The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?"

The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player’s head!"

The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! "

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
r
"Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"


Former Wal-Mart Greeter

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.


A Responsible Texas Cowboy

It is very interesting how Cowboys take an interest in helping everyone!

While hiking down along the border this morning, a Texas Cowboy saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, the cowboy informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

Around 4 PM, both had drowned, and neither authority had responded. The cowboy starting to think he wasted two stamps.


British Humor

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "'Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular '"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that yapping dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong French bitch out the window."


Only A Farm Kid

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


Smallest Pistol Caliber You Can Trust In Case Of Bears

On a Gun Forum recently the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself in case of a bear attack?

Unbelievably one man replied, "A .22 caliber short should do it" and included this picture of the small pistol.

After reading the story below, I understand why he answered the way he did!

He wrote:

"A .22 caliber short should do it! Yes, my personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short - and it is great in case of bears.

You see, over all the years I've been hiking, I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the Buddy System. That's when my small pistol is most effective.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the Buddy System, it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in Alaska . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and wow was she mad.

We must have gotten too near to her cubs. As she started to charge, I just reached in my pocket for my little Beretta Jetfire in .22 short! In fact, if I had not had my little Jetfire, I'm sure that I would not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap, and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace to go get help!"

For some reason his brother-in-law has not forgiven him.


Cowboys vs Muslims

Three passengers at the Great Falls, Montana, International airport are awaiting their flight.

One is a Native American who is traveling with a friend who is a ranch hand. The Native American and the Cowboy are on their way to Billings for a Stock Show.

The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. and here on a Student Visa.

He's on his way to study engineering at Montana Tech.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Since its recently been the anniversary of 9-11, the conversation moves over to what happened that day.

Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and yes, he believes Muslims are justified in murdering everyone who is not Muslim.

The Native American and the Cowboy look at each other with a combination of disbelief and a desire to string him up. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The Native American is a former Marine and Veteran of the Iraq War. He'd obviously like to teach the
Muslim student a lesson. His cowpoke friend leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American has an idea and clears his throat before softly saying, "Once, my people were many, now we are few."

The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson, he says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet boy. But it's a com'n boy, you can bet on that!"


Beware, They're Out There!

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in our flock, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cellular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That number's right. Well, I guess you can take one," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

The cowboy gets up close to him so to make sure the yuppie can hear him and his answer, "No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows because this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog and get out of here!"




The Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


All Tied Up!

Four men have been going fishing for many years. This year, Ron's wife put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.

Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up.

"Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading something or other, she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' So, here I am!"


The Lazy Gun

A few days ago, a Cowboy opened his front door wide open and set his lever-action Marlin .30-30 rifle right next the doorway.

He placed 6 cartridges beside it, and noticing that it had not grown legs. Seeing that it had not grown legs, he set it on his mother's old wheelchair to help it get around.

He then left it alone and went about his business. While he was gone, the mailman delivered his mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of his house.

After a couple of hours, he checked on the gun. It was still setting there in the wheelchair, right where he had left it.

Unlike what he had heard on the news, it hadn't rolled itself away. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself.

The Cowboy confirmed what he already knew: That with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people - they were either very wrong or his gun was extremely lazy.

Since he confirmed that people are responsible for doing harm to others and that guns aren't capable of doing harm by themselves, he went on to check his forks and spoons since he heard they're making people fat.



The Jogger and the Farmer

A jogger is going down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, "Hey-come over here buddy!"

The jogger is stunned but still goes over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure I was, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some money because I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself, "Wow, a talking horse!"'

Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he goes over to the house and finds an old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger tells the farmer, "I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field."

The farmer shakes his head and replies, "Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."



The Price

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

Obviously ignoring what the preach just asked, the man went on to say, "Yup, I was so damned impressed with that sermon, I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, "Damn! No shit?"


Winner of The Coolest Headstone Contest

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah, won The Coolest Headstone Contest recently.

It reads:
Russell J. Larsen's
Five Rules For A Happy Life:
It's important to have a woman
who cooks, cleans, and has a job.
It's important to have a woman
who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman 
who you can trust and doesn't lie.
It's important to have a woman
who likes to be with you.
It's very important these four women
never meet and talk to each other -
or you could end up dead like me.


Good Cowboy

Cowboy and his girlfriend are being sensible and want to use birth control, so the cowboy goes to a local drugstore:
Cowboy says to the clerk, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier asks, "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?"

Cowboy replies, "Nah! She ain't ugly!"


An Atheist In The Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 8-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", laughed the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ Our Lord, Amen."

So who says God doesn't have a sense of humor!


The Dense

An old half-blind Cowboy finds himself on a trip to London, England visiting relatives.

He tires of the small talk and wanders down town. Soon he finds himself in a Lesbian Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're quite blind, to tell you you're in a lesbian bar and that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a bad attitude.
3. I'm 6-foot tall, twice your weight, blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Cowboy, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The old Cowboy thinks for a minute, sighs, shakes his head, and mutters, "All blondes huh? Well, it's a good joke - but not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Yes, It Happens!

A group of 40-year-olds discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters and waitresses were good looking and had buff bodies.

Ten years later, at age 50, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was really good and there was a great selection of wines.

Ten years later, at age 60, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and it even had an elevator.

Just this last year, at age 80, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.


And The Crowd Went Wild!

The Pope and former President Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So with that, the Pope says, "Oh well!" and backhands Obama and knocked him off the stage!

The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!


Chickens

Seeing a liberal man eating chicken at an Obama rally, an independent voter walks up and says, I like Obama.

To which the liberal smiled broadly.

Then the moment was ruined when the independent voter mentioned, "But I've been thinking. A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders, isn't it?”

The liberal called him a Racist.


The Mother of all Jihadist Jokes.

Two Middle Eastern Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. Soon, they start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"


Two Swim Away

In the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling.

The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboys head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yawl tighten that noose a little bit? I cant swim!"


Today's Teachers

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.

Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher and have their teacher love them, their hands flew up into the air.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Becky had not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

''Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.

Shocked and a little perturbed that she could not influence this little girl, the red faced teacher asked Becky.

"Why would you want to be an evil conservative Republican?"

Becky quickly answers, "I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on people from the government. Besides, my parents have taught me to take care of myself and to do all of my thinking. My
Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, so I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She pauses, and lets out a smile. "Then," Becky says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."


Ted Nugent on How Deer Think

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."

The interview ended.


That's Just How it Is!

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with a huge Stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters.

"Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?"

"My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy.

"Tex eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?"

"Nope, Louisiana." said the cowboy.

"Louisiana?" asked the surprised officer. "So why are you called Tex?"

"Because I don't like being called Louise!"


You Can Tell She's From Back East

A woman from back East who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"

"Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or Western?"

"Whats the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy.

The woman looked agitated and said, "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."


Two Liars

Bob, a 65 year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up one Saturday afternoon at the Country Club with a gorgeous breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde woman who hangs all over Bob and listens intently to his every word.

The young woman knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She laughs and giggles, every now and then she tells Bob, "I love you so much!"

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my new wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade a knock out like her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" One friend asks.

"Hell no!" Bob replies, then smiles and says, "I told her I was 90."


Lost Control

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.

"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.

"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.

"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"


Not Good!

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.


Last Request

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day.

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. It's been customary that music be played in the background, so the warden asks the biker if he has a requested song that he like to hear?

The biker replies, "I sure do, would you play Achy Breaky Heart for me before I have to go?"

"Sure enough, we can do that," says the warden.

He turns to the cowboy, "And you, do you have a request for a song?"

The cowboy asks, "No, but can you kill me first? I hate that song!"


Marine Corps Tact & Diplomacy

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. " Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f@$#*n ear!"

The Admiral hired the Marine!

God Bless the Corps!



Beware What You Eat!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it."

The Doctor took a breath and looked around the room, then asked, "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row slowly stood looked at the Doctor before and asked, "Wedding Cake?"


BARACK OBAMA JOKES

A Fascist, a Communist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up, after pouring a drink, and says, "Hello Barack!"

Q.  What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters?
A.   The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.

America once had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope.

Now we have Barack Obama, no cash, no jobs, and no hope.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a Black Marxist with a White Communist?
A:   Barack Obama

The Obama administration wants a new simplified tax form that will be idiot proof.

They'll test it out on Joe Biden.

Q: What do Barack Obama and Manti Te'o have in common?
A: They both have "composite" girlfriends.

Q: What did Obama teach his dog, Bo, to say when he wants a treat?
A: "Marx, Marx"

Q: What's the difference between Obama's big government and the Chicago mob?
A: Size
  
Q: What's the difference between Obama and God?
A: God doesn't think he is Obama.

Q: Why does Obama Messiah wear his hair so short?
A: So it won’t get tangled in his turban.

Q: Will health care be different under ObamaCare?
A: Call now to get your doctor appointment by 2014.

Q: Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A: He thought Barry sounded too American.

Q: What does Obama's cat say?
A: Mao.

Q: What is the difference between Obama and Jesus?
A: Jesus can put a cabinet together not chocked full of Communists.

Q: Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
A: To help America's enemies on the the other side!
  
Q: What is the difference between Candidate Obama and President Obama?
A: "Yes We Can" became "Yes You Will!"

Q. Why did Obama run for office as a Democrat?
A. He was too far Left for the modern Communist Party.

Q: Why won't Obama release his real original birth certificate?
A: The ink isn't dry yet.

Q: Why won't Obama release his birth certificate?
A: It shows that he wasn't born from a virgin.

Q: Why is the Obama economy a system of checks and balances?
A: He writes the checks, you pay the balances.

Q: What is the best argument against democracy?
A: A chat with an Obama voter.
  
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What did Obama say when he was told 3 Brazilians were killed in Afghanistan?
A: He asked Michelle "how many is in a brazillion?"

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a sinking ship, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common?
A: They are both trying to screw everybody!

Q: Why are Adam and Eve considered Obama-era Americans?
A: Because they had no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and were told they were in paradise.

Q: Why is Obama's Air Force One an aerodynamic miracle?
A: It only has a left wing.
  
Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?
A. It said "concentrate".

Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?
A: The battery has a positive side.

Q. Speaking of cash for clunkers, what do Obama's policies and clunkers have in common?
A. They both backfire.

Q. What's the difference between Barack Obama and a government bond?
A. The bond will eventually mature.

Q. What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
A. Undocumented Democrats.
  
Q. Why isn't TSA catching any terrorists?
A. They don't screen passengers on Air Force One.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

Q. Why Obama has waited so long to release his birth certificate?
A. He did not have a registered copy of Photoshop.

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo didn't forge his papers!

Q: What's the difference between Obama and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

''Now, what we're doing, I want to be clear, we're not trying to push financial reform because we begrudge success that's fairly earned. I mean, I do think at a certain point you've made enough money.''

— Barack Obama, on Wall Street reform, Quincy, Ill., April 29, 2010 

Fitting Memorials

A major freeway in California is named after the great Ronald Reagan.

After he leaves office, Chicago is going to name a dead end after Barack Obama.

Barack Obama died and went before God.

The Lord looked down from his throne.

God then asked Obama, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

Obama smiled and replied, "Yes, but you're in my seat."

Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama go into a bar.

Bill tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C."

Obama whispers, "What is a B and C?"

"That's a bourbon and Coke," Clinton answers.

Then Biden orders, "I'll have a G and T."

Obama again whispers, "What's a G and T?"

"A gin and tonic," Joe replies.

Obama wants to seem like he's one of the guys so he tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15."

Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?"

Obama says, "A 7 and 7."

On Barack Obama phone answering machine:

"You have reached the office of the President of the United States. President Obama is either away from his desk or not in the Oval Office at this time. At the tone, please leave your name, your telephone number, the size of the bailout or earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate dollar amount of your campaign donations to date."

Beep!
  
Doctor Seuss on Barack Obama:

"I do not like Barack Obam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like that sneaky crook,
or how he lies and cooks the books.
I do not like it when he steals,
I do not like his secret deals.
I do not like that metro man,
I do not like his 'YES WE CAN.'
I do not like his spending spree,
does he not know that nothing's free?
I do not like his smug replies,
I do not like his constant lies.
I do not like his kind of hope.
I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope."
  
Modern American Currencies: 
  • One dollar bill: George Washington
  • Five dollar bill: Abraham Lincoln
  • Ten dollar bill: Alexander Hamilton
  • Twenty dollar bill: Andrew Jackson
  • Fifty dollar bill: Ulysses S. Grant
  • One hundred dollar bill: Benjamin Franklin
  • Food Stamps: Barack Obama 

The Liberal Mind

A liberal Democrat politician parked his brand new Lexus right in front of a hospital. He was there for a re-election speech and wanted to show his new Lexus off to his supporters.

As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the liberal politician started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before. The car was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the liberal finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you liberals are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the liberal. "I support the Unions. I support Gun Control. I support gays and people in foreign countries. I'm not materialistic! I'm an environmentalist! My car was green engineering at its best! Besides, it cost over $85,000!"

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when that ambulance hit you!!!"

Looking at where his arm was, the liberal politician screamed, "OH, MY GOD! MY ROLEX IS GONE!"


Osama Bin Laden - The Real Story

Osama Bin Laden was living with three Arab wives in one compound and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed that he called the Navy Seals himself.


  
Democrat Jokes

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like being in the dark.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a power hungry lawyer?
A: Ugly Liberal children.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a Democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax?
A: After it reaches 95%

Q: What is a Democrat's concept of the Free Market?
A: One that hands out free slices of cheese and wine.

Q: How do you know that Democrats are a diverse people?
A: Because they keep count of how many people they know in each racial or ethnic category.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q: How do Democrats talk about Republican foreign policy?
A: By saying the word "Neo-Con Conspiracy" over and over again

Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't need to try, they're born that way.

Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.

Q: What do you call Democrats with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.

Q: Why should we require Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So we don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.

"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat?

Then reaching into her purse, she said, "Hold on! I'm trying to find a $100, so you can bury 10 of them!"

Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.

Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why don't we like Liberals to swim in the ocean?
A: Because we can't get the smell off the fish.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What's the definition of a Democrat running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between God and a Democrat?
A: God knows He's not a Democrat.

How do you know you're a Democrat?
  • You don't understand why Conservative are against killing babies.
  • You believe its OK to kill babies, but are against capital punishment for muderers.
  • You don't understand why kids should learn love of country and demonstrate it with the Pledge of Allegience
  • You don't like people teaching kids right verses wrong because you think children should make up their own minds even though they are only children.
  • You think poverty can be abolished without creating jobs for the poor.
  • You admire the Soviet Union's Communist government ownership of everything.
  • You think the Federal government should provide everything for everyone and no one needs to work for anything.
  • After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is under taxed."
  • You still own a bumper sticker that says "Yes We Can" after the last 4 years its "YES YOU WILL!"
 









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